come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
