I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
