This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
