Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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