i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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