Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
