She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
