i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You smell like stripper and shame
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
