Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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