shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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