you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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