just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
she told me i tasted like america
it was like having sex with a tree stump
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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