It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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