so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
