Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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