My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize