So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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