The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
