Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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