I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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