If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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