And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
someone owes me an orgasm
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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