Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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