she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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