first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize