So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I pour the whiskey from now on
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize