tell your sister to shave her snatch
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
