Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
i now understand why vodka
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
