after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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