She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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