I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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