I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
