My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
last night I used snow as a chaser
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
