did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
