you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize