I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
