Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
