bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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