I need to stop coming to work sober
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
50% drunk capacity currently
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize