i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
