i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
