so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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