i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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