we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
