i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
