When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
