i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
