Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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