i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
