Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You are a genius and a whore.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
