this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
