Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize