You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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