she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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