It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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